i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
