What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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