ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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