When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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