I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
