I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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