I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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