Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
