I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
