Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
