There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
