I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
not ubering you a puppy
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