i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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