Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
