If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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