sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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