$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
