I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
