dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
well, you know. whores of a feather.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
