you have to choose: penises or morals?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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