How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
