I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
