apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
