what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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