Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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