here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
