Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
