I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
