I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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