Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
