Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
