he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
