Pappa wants mamma naked
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.