About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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