Texts From Last Night

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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water

  (425): View more from Washington

  Legs for days

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Harpoon that

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  (425): Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water (425): Legs for days (1-425): Harpoon that http://tfl.nu/z0dx
  Replies (2) Good night (1981) Bad night (589)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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  (603): I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed. http://tfl.nu/t2tl
  Replies (17) Good night (4785) Bad night (782)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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  (214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada. http://tfl.nu/cunl
  Replies (200) Good night (8171) Bad night (2712)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

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  (604): just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe. http://tfl.nu/ejrn
  Replies (26) Good night (674) Bad night (3752)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.

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  (412): Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building. http://tfl.nu/dxj2
  Replies (17) Good night (5511) Bad night (961)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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  (847): I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people. http://tfl.nu/av1w
  Replies (16) Good night (1473) Bad night (4453)
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  (951): View more from California

  my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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  (951): my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands. http://tfl.nu/553v
  Replies (21) Good night (4461) Bad night (1169)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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  (703): He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle. http://tfl.nu/3luk
  Replies (25) Good night (6324) Bad night (1977)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't

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  (240): I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't http://tfl.nu/uua0
  Replies (7) Good night (2438) Bad night (972)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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  (847): 2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take. http://tfl.nu/jq3u
  Replies (20) Good night (2775) Bad night (1472)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  im sober

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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  (815): im sober (920): you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive http://tfl.nu/hm58
  Replies (3) Good night (2459) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love

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  (360): she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love http://tfl.nu/d5q9
  Replies (22) Good night (2231) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.

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  (641): Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit. http://tfl.nu/0tmo
  Replies (8) Good night (1171) Bad night (522)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month

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  (352): Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month http://tfl.nu/4t8s
  Replies (6) Good night (663) Bad night (421)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.

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  (812): we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever. http://tfl.nu/pdge
  Replies (1) Good night (833) Bad night (237)

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