i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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