I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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