Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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