Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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