I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
