watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
