I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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