just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
