So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
