You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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