A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
