Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
