why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
