There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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