soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
