I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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