wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
