So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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