The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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