She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
