My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
